So over the next few weeks, I will be posting snippets of a story I have written.
Please feel free to comment to share and anything else you want to do, I look forward to hearing all the comments.
I hear the light go on and the toilet go, it’s 5 in the morning and he’s getting ready for work, making as little noise as he can do not to wake me or the baby, but it’s too late I’m awake and watching him tiptoe around the bedroom. He climbs on the bed gives me a kiss and tells me he loves me. As he goes to walk down the stairs he stops he stares at me a long and loving stare – or so I think – and mouths I love you blows me a kiss and with that’s he’s gone. Out of the door and off to work. I close my eyes and think about what today will bring.
“Mummy can I come into your room”
she’s awake 6.30 on the dot every morning. Clambering into my bed,
“can I have a sweet from the drawer” I can’t give in to her little face so with a smile I say you can have 1 but no more than one, so she goes to his secret stash of haribo of course she knows where it’s kept, but it’s gone… I’m racking my brains.
It’s gone it’s not there, I check his drawers, his clothes are all gone, I check downstairs I’m not walking I’m running, his game of thrones dvd collection is gone, I check behind the sofa, his laptop is still here?, I run upstairs the baby looking at me like I’ve gone mad, I have tears streaming down my face, I text him I try ringing him no reply, he rejects my call.
He’s gone he’s really gone.
How could he do this to me, after everything we went through.
I can’t sit in this house I can’t be here it’s half 7 and I need air I need to get out.
I need to know why.
When he finally answers his phone it’s 10 o’clock, he doesn’t explain he doesn’t answer why he just said I can’t do it.
What does that mean, you can’t do what if anyone can’t do something it’s me.
I was the one that put up with things not the other way around.
He’s playing victim but it’s me I’m the victim you left me you walked out on me you cheated on me and I stayed with you.
It’s me I’m the victim. But I can’t get my words out inside I’m screaming but on the outside I’m choked back by tears, I’m stammering “buuutt I love you, you said you loved me you gave me a kiss”
All he has to say “sorry”
The love story that I had always wanted the family that I wanted was cracked and broken and no matter how much glue I used to try and try and put it back together it wasn’t working, bits were missing, and tiny fragments of emotions were shattered and they just couldn’t be saved.
Questions so many questions what, why, but, how.
The main one if you loved me so much how could you just up and leave like that.
I guess I just have to accept I won’t get the answers I deserve.
I stare down at the blue cross appearing, a tear falls down my face, do I tell him? Do I keep it? I grab my phone and dial his number then hang up.
What’s the point we haven’t spoken in nearly a month, how is a baby going to change that. I head out to work and act like nothing is happening.
I can’t even concentrate, customers are talking to me and instead of answering I’m staring blankly at them. “Do you have it in stock or not”, another blank stare I can’t even remember what they are looking for,
“let me just check give me a moment”
“but you already looked hello…hello”
I just walk off unable to actually do my job, my head is bursting with thoughts and I have no one to talk to.
No one who will understand.
What do I do!
I need someone to tell me what to do.
Within seconds My phone goes, I stare blankly at the message
I will come and collect the rest of my things tonight, please have it ready, I don’t want to talk I don’t want to stay I want to come and go. I hope that’s okay.
The bluntness the emptiness of the message the reality that nothing not one bit of our relationship meant nothing to him. What now. I must be at least 6-7 weeks pregnant.