I decide not to tell him. Not because I don’t want to but because I know him and it won’t make him stay, it won’t change his mind and it certainly won’t fix our broken relationship.
I keep telling myself it’s for the best, but I really don’t know what is anymore.
It goes 6 and there is a knock at the door, it’s him.
He has a key why doesn’t he use his key?
I wait to see if the lock goes, there’s another knock, so I get up and open the door,
I’ve just come to get my stuff Holly
Can I not even say hi anymore
He picks his things up off the floor, where I have placed them and turns to leave.
Before I even know what I’m doing or saying I’m standing in his way, and the words pour out my mouth like explosive diarrhoea. My brain hasn’t even registered what I’m saying
I love you, why did you leave, did I do something wrong, just tell me, how can you do. Is to me, you told me you loved me you kissed me goodbye. Just I deserve to know why. Give me that
I know what’s coming I know he won’t give me the answers I do desperately want,
I’m sorry I have to go
I knew it! The words cut me like a knife then all of a sudden my face is wet. I can’t control myself I’m crying not any cry.
The cry you get where you can barely get your words out, choking you back stopping you from saying what you want to say. He has taken his hand plunged it into my chest and ripped my heart out, thrown it on the floor trod on it a few times, picked it up and tried to put it back where it belongs kind of cry.
I don’t even know what to say now.
I just look at him, hoping wishing, but that won’t help. His mind is made up. I move out his way and he leaves, no cuddle no kiss no I love you nothing.
I slump on the floor unable to move my body is in shut down and all I can do is cry. My hand goes to my belly, and I hear myself say I got us baby I got us.
A week later and I have heard nothing, no message no call nothing, my messages go unanswered, and my calls sent to voicemail, I have spent most nights crying myself to sleep.
Trying to make myself function so my daughter doesn’t think anything is wrong, but inside I’m dying trying to understand the whole situation.
The pain is overwhelming, almost making me sick, I’m in agony and can barely move, I finally make myself stand up and go to the toilet, I know something is wrong I’ve been in this pain before. Labour pain.
I look down and there it is blood, bright red blood, I’m wiping and wiping but it just keeps coming, I grab a pad and put it on, I call the doctors and get an emergency appointment…. suddenly the words I dread to hear, the test has come back negative I believe you are miscarrying.
I must be about 9/10 weeks something like that anyway, I’ve gone through 3 pads already and it’s only 12.
The pain is overwhelming, I don’t know how I’m going to cope, “it shouldn’t last too long, but I am going to refer you to the early pregnancy unit to run more tests and then in the following weeks to check via an ultrasound to make sure it has all passed, however due to the fact your still early it might be hard to determine a loss” The doctor hands me a leaflet on miscarriage …. I walk away with tears down my face.
Great. My heart is beating so loud I can hear it in my ears. The words going round and round, a miscarriage, I need to tell someone I need to hug someone, I need to tell him.
4 weeks ago I found out I was pregnant, I’m currently miscarrying our baby I’m in the worst pain in the world I’m sorry I didn’t tell you.
As expected I get no reply… I go to work still in excruciating pain, and struggle through waiting and waiting for 8.30 to come round so I can go home and curl up in a ball and cry and Grieve my dead baby.
When I get home I find chocolates on my door step with a note.
What? Who the hell is Greg? Suddenly my phone lights up, it’s from him.