I hope your okay
I stare at my phone for what feels like ages, trying to take in what he has sent me, do I reply do I call him, do I just leave it?
I dial his number and he answered straight away
do you like Ferrero Rocher
someone left them on my doorstep and I don’t like them, I’m asking if you do?
I don’t know but I thought you did
no I don’t, never really been a fan
oh sorry I thought you liked them
the chocolates they were from me
why didn’t you just put your name?
because I didn’t want you to know they were from me, open the door i’m outside
I freeze. He’s outside my house, I told him about the baby and he’s outside my house?, do I let him in, I don’t want to argue with him, but I want to see him or do I?
before I know it I’m opening the door and there he is standing in front of me, his scruffy hair swept back, and hidden underneath his hat, he’s still in his work clothes, and still so attractive, he steps into the hall and takes me in his arms, hugging me tight
everything is okay I’m here now
I hug him back, unable to understand what the hell is going on, all the thoughts going through my head, questions like
– why did you leave
– why did you kiss me
– do you love me
– why now?
but the main question, is he only here because he’s glad there is no baby. I knew he didn’t want children, but I made it clear when we got together that I did, and that I didn’t want to wait long to have them, but he was adamant that he didn’t want any.
So maybe he was glad, maybe he was glad he didn’t have to stick around and actually be a dad. but suddenly none of the questions mattered, he kissed me on the cheek, told me to sit down and he would look after me.
Right now in this moment, he was here he wanted to look after me and that was all that mattered, I loved him, and at one point he did love me.
And that’s what he did, I sat down and I watched as he went upstairs and got my hot water bottle, filled it up and brought it in to me, I watched as he made me dinner and a cup of tea, and came and sat next to me. I was grateful, grateful that he was here that even though I was going through the worst thing in my life right now, he was here and some how even after everything that made it better.
We sat in silence watching tv, and then he did the unexpected, his hand moved the hot water bottle off my tummy, and in its place he put his hand.
I thought he was going to leave me and go home, but he didn’t. he cuddled me in bed and kept his hand on my belly, while I was in pain he hugged me. Nothing mattered, nothing mattered at all because he was here, and he was my safe place. To me he was home.
although I still had unanswered questions, I thought maybe this, me and him were for real this time, maybe he would stick around, maybe he would be there through all of this and maybe we could be together again. but that was far from the truth, I just hadn’t realised it yet.